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As an Aspie who hopes to have elements himself someday, I have to wonder. Take that and use it. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. We are both self diagnosed as when we were going through the process of being formally diagnosed, I stupidly told my employer and they started treating me VERY differently. It worries me when i see her naivity to the world, but i guess you just have to let an aspie see what the worlds like them self, am i right. Aspie dating sites also learned that the MCMI-III test I did with the psychologist on which they based my final diagnosisnorth tests for emotional and interpersonal difficulties not ASD. If you do pay, you will find most of aspie dating sites people you look at can't reply back because they are non-paying members. But never have I seen so many as this site, and right on the front pages. For,i ask, is this one of the reason i am so magnet-like attracted to her still. I have problems processing information actively unless I'm having a good day. I never got to be her first, even though i know no one right know could care for her more than i do, i met up, due to my lies, and i think and hope she knows that.
Lessons from an Aspergers-NT Marriage By WordRidden via Flickr. Used under Creative Commons License. This series summarizes 12 lessons that my husband and I have learned often the hard way. Hopefully some will be helpful to other couples that have taken on the challenge of making an Aspergers-NT marriage work. Part 1: Part 2: Part 3: Part 4: Your story is so inspirational and so relatable. I am a recently self- diagnosed, and currently seeking a formal diagnosis. My husband is an aspie, too. I am somewhat more socially adept, but also more shy. We both try to fill in what the other lacks, I. With communication with the outside world, and he helping to bolster my confidence to say things which need to be said. Sometimes our children suffer because of our immaturity and wicked not violent, though tempers, and severe anxiety. On the other hand, they have parents who are very present in their lives, accepting of their idiosynchrasies, and fiercely loyal and protective. Those are things I did not have in my upbringing. My parents are good parents, and the environment was idyllic for my brother and sister, but not so great for myself the youngest , and my eldest brother, whom I also suspect to be an aspie. They did the best they could by us, but were limited by their worldview. I believe a lot of NTs are becoming more open and understanding, therefore opening up our ability to reach our potential, and enrich society in ways we did not previously. Thank you for letting me know the series resonated with you. But it sounds like you and your husband have different strengths as well, so that works. I think we aspies make unconventional but very good parents! I had my daughter when I was young and poor so I did a lot of growing up with her too. I see a lot of myself in the way you describe your parenting. The good news is, my daughter who is about to turn 26! We have to play to our strengths and hope the rest evens out in the end. Andrew, I just took the AG 10 test on this blog and scored 7. We recently went to a marriage guidance councillor, but now I am going alone as the councillor thinks I need to learn how to communicate my emotions more effectively to my wife. Hope this helps you in some way and good luck with your situation! Pardon me, I have to use metaphors to explain myself here. Emotion is like loads of different flavours and intensities of comfort, relative comfort; as a subjective result of mental and sensory experiences. So expressing emotion is like a weather report. We have special brain Gubbins dedicated to the expression of comfort and sensory experiences, emotions and intention, and for detecting it. But NTs dont use their skills constantly, and they vary anyway. People have different tolerances for emotional information and we connect to what we know or expect more easily, and we need easy reassuring messages when we feel lowest. I think aspies learn to detach, to not see how people feel or something, nor express as much. And dont always having the same connection to emotional states and interactions to understand them intuitively, the higher skill level dances. Seeing expressed emotions, or being told about them, is about like looking at the weather. Your wife needs different information sharing depending on her emotional and practical needs at the time, including the need to be work with you. Also, an answer to anxiety is seeking reassurance, but also knowing that your support network is responsive is often assurance enough. Your wife needs to receive some positive appraisals of things that are important to her, kind appraisals reward effort and signal compatibility. Being able to provide emotionally and practically for you, understand where you are at, depends on her knowing more about your emotions. And shared emotions, different types of ping backs. Thank you for this post. My husband and I both have it. We are both self diagnosed as when we were going through the process of being formally diagnosed, I stupidly told my employer and they started treating me VERY differently. I realised that carrying a label was not in our interest. It is sad because I find that HF-AS is a real gift. It clearly caused some issues growing up, particularly as it was certainly not recognised, but my husband and I could not be closer or more content. People seem to always impart their personal experience as the only correct way to live. We have both always worked but it has been a constant struggle, as we have had to learn many social patterns etc…it is exhausting. Funnily enough, my husband is better at socialising than myself…it is of course a well rehearsed performance but he finds it less anxiety inducing than I do. Even when I think I am accepted by my peers, my naivety is later exposed and I realise that people have taken advantage of me or been unkind behind my back. I am great with children though…possibly because with them, what you see is what you get! It is a shame people see AS as a disability. I understand that autism is a spectrum disorder with varied levels of severity but I think it creates nice, genuine, honest people who, on the most part, are intelligent but misunderstood. People are afraid of difference when I believe that such positive difference should be embraced. If only more people thought the way we did…the world would surely be a better, more logical place. Cynthia, I want to think you again for all of your kind support. I have a somewhat strained relationship with my parents and siblings. I have made very bad decisions and hurt people I love at times. I used to be really co-dependent and would cling, white-knuckled, to any man who would have me. About 12 years ago, I got involved with a grifter naïveté being a common pitfall of Aspergers. He did the typical mind control, divide and conquer thing. Needless to say, a rift was driven. He is clingy, possessive, lazy, and capricious. These are all things I can forgive, because I share these traits, to a lesser degree. He just drags you down. Every aspect of life has its own economy, and I am simply more concerned with emotional than financial currency. Does anyone have any advice for helping her understand? Thank you very much for this. I love her more than anything, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. Thank you again, and this is a very nice blog you have here. Not all partners react so positively. Since I wrote this series, my husband and I have worked on a lot of the things I mentioned here and our relationship is better than ever. Just knowing the reason for a lot of the things I do and being able to work with or around that has made a huge difference. Good luck to both of you! Thank you very much. Thank you again, and my best wishes for you and your husband. I love her like i never loved anyone else before, and want to spent my rest of my life with her. Hope you can share some of your thought with me. Getting pregnant unexpectedly so soon into a relationship can be a lot to process. You say that the relationship was very intense from the beginning and that plus the pregnancy the hormonal changes can be very hard to cope with may have pushed her into a serious case of overload. Often, the best way to recover from being overloaded is time alone. Does she have support from others in her life family, friends who can be there for her right now? Does she know that you love her and are ready to support her in whatever way you can? Be patient and available and be sure she knows that you love her and want to support her. Good luck with it. Yes — She have her friends she get support by and yes — she knows I love her and will be supportive in any way I can. My questions for you are, if I may…do I should do nothing? But this case is so different…what happens to the ASpie brain in this kind of situation? From daily contact it became no connection at all in hour. However, I think being available but not pushing is best for now. Good luck with — I hope it works out for both of you. Where do people get help for this? Are there doctors that can help people in these relationships? My AS wife and I non-AS as far as I know, may test myself as well husband. I am actually mortified that I offered myself as marriage material whilst I was unaware of all this stuff. The last thing you want to feel is that someone is doing you a favour by learning to tolerate you. And no doubt that cuts both ways. Maybe it feels less threatening as you go on, with it all out in the open I hope. In Aus we have guy called Tony Attwood who is world renowned for his work in Autism and such people can point you in the right direction for support. Hence I now have a go to place for a trusted assessment. They know their value and are priced accordingly. Sorry you and your loved one have found yourselves facing this tsunami of reality. Thank you for posting this. But I am just always worried he will find someone else that he can better communicate with, someone that he can talk to more easily without all the complications we have. My husband and I, although we try so hard, often leave an argument both feeling misunderstood and frustrated. I know he gets tired of having to give me the same advice on how to handle situations dealing with other people. I think he feels like I should just be able to change these behaviors, overcome my anxieties, learn how to prioritize and be more cognizant of how my actions and words affect other people. In your post, you stated that it is essential to know what can be changed and what must be tolerated. If we could understand what can be changed, what can be modified and what just needs to be accepted, it would help us adjust our expectations so we can be successful in our marriage. I would really appreciate your insight, thanks! I think what can be changed is different from each person and is something that you and your husband would have to identify together and commit to working on. I know what you mean about feeling more incompetent when trying to change something that feels impossible. I wish I had an easy answer for you. Relationship stuff is so hard. Talk with your husband and start slowly and see where it takes you. Hello Cynthia, Thanks for writing an insightful and logically written blog! Only very recently did I realize that my wife may be an aspie, after so many years of confused frustration and therapy only for myself! There is a match on almost all the aspie criteria and she is very high functioning. And each match can be backed up by so many data points illustrating the behavior pattern. I know this from experience! As is well known, lack of communication, intimacy, low empathy are a major issue esp. Otherwise, I sometimes feel very overwhelmed and we have even talked about separation on days where it simply got too difficult to put up the stress on seemingly small issues. Is there any value in sharing my idea that she may have some of these aspie traits in a respectful way? Indeed these apply to her very much. Interestingly, all this time I never doubted she loved me even though there have been fewer than 20 verbal displays of affection, empathy etc E. The premise is that all humans have a primary way they feel loved: Loving Touch, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts and Words of Affirmation. When my husband would accuse me of never saying I love you or never wanting to hold hands, I would give the same reply as your wife because to me actions are more powerful than words. Was it strange for me to say I Love You,not because it came in a flush of joy from my heart of hearts, but because it made him happy? But then he tried doing acts of service for me and it made me feel so cared for. Thank you so much for your site! My aspie husbands finds it invaluable and I too have learned a lot from it. Do have any good resources or online support forum suggestions for partners of people on the spectrum? Any ideas would be greatly appreciated! When my daughter 16 was diagnosed with ADHD, when she was 8 years-old, I recognized many of the symptoms I had struggled with all my life. A few years later, my now 12 year-old son was also diagnosed with ADHD. Fast forward a good couple of years and one autistic child later who is now 7 years-old and the wheels started coming off big time for me. The process of having my son diagnosed was soul destroying and I realized that I could not cope, as my ADHD symptoms or so I thought at the time became debilitating. So, off I went to the doctor, explained my symptoms and he prescribed Ritalin for me, without having a formal diagnosis. Then in October last year 2014 , I was really struggling to cope with just about everything, so I decided to get a formal ADHD diagnosis. But no, it was not ADHD. The diagnosis was major depression, Schiziod personality disorder, with Avoidant personality traits and a moderate anxiety disorder. To be honest, the diagnosis did not sit well with me for various reasons. Then last week, looking for answers, I started an exhausting Internet search and found out that many adults 35 years and up — I am 42 with ASD, have been misdiagnosed as Schizoid individuals. I also learned that the MCMI-III test I did with the psychologist on which they based my final diagnosis , mainly tests for emotional and interpersonal difficulties not ASD. Since then I have read everything here twice and for the first time ever, I am beginning to understand my life and me — thank you for that. My marriage of 18 years has been a disaster from beginning to end, as I am married to a man with a Type A personality. It has not been easy for him or for me to put it mildly. But after reading your Aspergers and Marriage posts, I felt quite excited to share my discovery with my husband, appealing for his support in obtaining a formal ASD diagnosis and for his understanding and hopefully together making our marriage better, taking it step by step — empowered by this new knowledge. Much like you and the Scientist have done. How very wrong I was. He is annoyed by what he calls my deep, dark, psychotic, psychobabble neurosis or words to that effect. Says it makes no difference to him. He implies that I am bored, with too much time on my hands and therefor looking for a spot of drama. Feeling sad and disheartened and just wanted to tell someone who understands. I would love for you to write a post about all of the positive characteristics of those with autism. People with autism have many desirable traits that are often over looked. I married a high functioning autistic man and many things that attracted me to him and what I admire about him are his autistic traits. I have a daughter now with autism and my connection and love with her is a different and amazing connection that I have nor will ever have with any other. You write so wonderfully, I was wondering if you could write on this topic. Therefore, the group of NT spouses usually wives who post horror stories gets overrepresented, and when affected people stumble into them, it can be disheartening and depressing. We need more positive stories, more good examples for us to follow. My fiance and I suspect he may have ASD though not certain, because he is very empathetic and caring and can be very physically affectionate, among a few other things , and I do have some anxiety and fears about this. There is also much good stuff on the net to help. I suggest you try 90 things an Asperger husband can do to help a marriage. There are lots of small clips on the web with good info. As an aspie you will need to be proactive and vigilant. Slowly add others to your routine as you learn. As a NT wife I would rather one small gesture done well than several things done randomly. Ignore the sites where all they do is moan about how awful it is, we all need hope in order to keep going, on both sides of this dilemma. My first reaction was to gain information, google everything. My next reaction was to run and run fast. We had only been married a year and I was not prepared for this. Everything I read was negative. He felt like he had been given a gift, his life finally made sense. I felt like a bomb had gone off in my face. Your site was the first one I read that held some promise of hope for our future. As it was written by an aspie he was able to understand some of the things I would need from him. I still feel we have a lot to learn and life will be more of a challenge then I expected at this stage of life. We are not young, all our children are grown and living their own lives now. But because of your site there is hope…. I have taken copies of things you have written that has helped them to understand. Thank you so much for these. Your articles have helped me understand some of the things that went wrong with my fumbling and often frankly hilarious attempts to pass for normal! He was diagnosed at 67, 18 months ago. I have found the following things useful- download of the ASPIA Australia website a handbook for the partners of aspies. It gave me a structure from which to ask questions and gain insight into ASD. Once we had a structure, my husband realised I was genuinely wanting to understand, not pry into him. I offer no excuses or apologies, this is how it is in order for us to survive, I must have time away to recharge. For me it is 1 weekend in 5. Huge relief for me to know I had not imagined the behaviour and there was an explantion however all the info in the world does not relieve the tension this causes. No one else will do it. I am sad that it is so factual and calculated but it was either that or slowly drown in the neglect of a partner who could not see or anticipate my needs. Having a support group or website to ask questions is also helpful. At pre-school age and through about 1st grade I was the classic Little Professor. As compared with my brother, who is much lower functioning than me, I think my parents figured I was just a nerdy, slightly off beat NT. They had no concept of me as a disabled person. Mind you this was years ago, at the cusp of the 60s and 70s. Way before there was much Dx of kids let alone adults. I grew my hair and made a decent go at sports. My best was baseball, I was OK in football and the rest did not work out very well. Talk about being in the lair of bullying. Well, if I was not a jock maybe I was a stoner. Mind you all the while I still got OK grades, I was on the college track. So I did the stoner albeit brainy stoner thing until late high school. Never really mastered the dating thing but at least made a go of it. I had girl friends, I surfed, I did lots of cool stuff. As is wont to happen, that phase of life went by all too swiftly. Next thing I knew I was a new grad. Somehow the overall demographic of my adult circles was older than me no real surprise being Gen X. So I had a series of relationships, flings and etc with women 2 — 8 years older than me. Obviously this was not a setting leading to a good chance of marriage. To be fair though, I was not explicitly trying to reach a married state quickly. Time passed and all of a sudden I was in my late twenties starting to have a reasonable career. I dated one that would become my wife. Strangely, at the outset, I was not taking it super seriously. She seemed to be though. So, having a clearly disabled sibling was a bit of a problem. But it got worse. She is abusive, both emotionally and physically. Somehow, in spite of the various red flags, I asked her to marry me. Minds and emotions work in strange ways. In any case, long story short, here I now am, a half century old, married for well over 15 years, and essentially dreading going home most days. Some days I tell myself, just do it. But then I look at the pain that will definitely come later — especially financial. In any case, thanks for this blog. I am finding a lot of information and a lot of comfort in your blog. I am a 57yo Aspie male widower, who was married to an NT or so we thought for about 27 years. She never fully understood my condition. Unfortunately, she ended up proving to have anxiety disorders and manic-depression, and her bipolar issues and my AS dovetailed into a very painful co-dependent relationship. Like Xavier above me here, there were red flags all over the road, but I was too inexperienced with social interaction to see them and drove blindly on ahead. Xavier, I feel your pain — I lived through it! Get some counseling, would be my best advice.
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